God is GOOD. All the time. For Real.

Taking yet another pause from trying to catch up with this story of ours. There is so much going on in the current NOW that I feel like I can't write down because I have not caught up on what has happened in the past few weeks. I am bad at this recording memories thing.

I wanted to talk about something major that God has been showing me, that I have struggled with for a while now. My brain is one of those rapid fire balls of realizations and confusions that tends to come unraveled best by talking. I ramble on at length about myself, in an utterly selfish, conversationally dominating way, and suddenly I have an epiphany. This dramatic formulation of clear thought is stated like I have known this about myself for a while, and then my pie hole keeps spewing words. I have. A lot. Of  Words. My point of enlightenment is reached and I focus on it for just a while, then my social engagement moves on, I remember other people have things to say and the moment passes by. My semi-coherent thoughts ravel back up into their ball and I forget. I need to Write Them Down. Perhaps then I would make progress in the detangling of my brain department. Or perhaps I need therapy. Hmm.

Anyways. This is an attempt at making sense of a Lesson I am learning. And the great thing about blogging is, I can talk about myself at length, and YOU CAN JUST SKIP IT! Whoohoo! But in case you are learning something similar, the lesson is called: GOD IS GOOD. I AM NOT. GOD IS STILL GOOD TO ME.

I read just a few minutes ago, I read this post by Jami Nato. She said, "it's comforting to me to know that i can be at my worst, but God's work is not contingent upon me. He always gives his best." This caused me to tear up and get emotional and decide to talk about my feelings in a blog post because this is exactly something I can't seem to get a hold of and God keeps saying it to me.

I have always understood that I am a worthless sinner who has been redeemed through grace by the blood of my Savior, Jesus. Nothing I can do can make me more acceptable, and nothing I have done or can do will make Him love me less. His goodness is so far and above mine, that it has absolutely no connection to it whatever. Somehow I mess this up in the depths of my subconscious. This is what happens:

I am my WORST. I know who God has called me to be as His child and I fail. On purpose sometimes because I am too lazy to let myself DIE. I look at the blood of my Savior poured out for ME and I decide that I prefer to complain about something. I listen to the words of a perfect and Holy God, calling me to a higher standard, and I chose to use my words and life for myself. At my worst and most unlovable self, I am selfishness, sloth, short temper, fear, arrogance, ignorance and pride at their ugliest. I KNOW this about myself. I am pretty good at being Christian enough to convince the world I am a decent person, but I know myself. He has given me everything, and in return I am occasionally "a decent person."

I am one of those needy, dependent girlfriends who has Everything, but still cries all the time and complains. I fly off the handle and even have the gall to get angry or frustrated with God when I don't get my way. I bite the Hand that not only feeds me, but that was nailed to a cross for me.

I realize this about myself. And I know that God loves me anyways. He is my Father. I know that just because He is "Good" does not mean things will always seem and feel good. So I expect Him to discipline me like a parent for my ungratefulness and disrespect. I expect Him to "withhold my allowance for a week" to teach me to appreciate what I have. I look for Him to say "Oops, somehow you got away with much more than you should have, it is time to pay back that loan I gave you." I wait for His blessings to be less than perfect so that I will "learn my lesson" and work harder. I expect my "blessings" to all be those hard, painful ones that will teach me to die to myself. I watch and wait for Him to give me what I deserve. I would never fault Him for it. He saved me, I am His, so He has full authority to say "enough is Enough, Ruth. SHAPE UP AND GROW UP." And what does He do?

He gives me More. He answers those dumb little spoiled prayers. His blessings never disintegrate into a bitter pill that I need to learn how to swallow by myself. He comes through on those major things that somehow I don't manage to pray about enough. He speaks to me when I don't "search for Him as for gold." He never says "Hey I think I gave you too much change, time to pay me back."  He very often lets me have cake much too close to bedtime, even after I complained about dinner and threw the peas on the floor. He gives me Goodness.

And I don't understand it. I doubt it. I don't trust it. I say, "Yes, You are good but I have not earned that or done a single thing to give You incentive. I know You don't need my help, but shouldn't I be a part of pulling all this great stuff off?" And He says, "Nope, you didn't earn it, and I don't need your help. I am just going to do it all for you and give you everything because I AM GOOD. And your goodness or not goodness has NOTHING to do with Mine."

"God's work is not contingent on me. He will ALWAYS give His best." All of His gifts are perfect, and I will never be able to earn any of His blessings, or accomplish any of His plans. It is all Him, in His goodness, All The Time.

So that in a coconut shell (notice I did not say nutshell, clearly this was more than say, a peanut,) is what God has been showing me for a long time. He is consistent. He is faithful. He. Is. Good.