Thursday, May 30, 2013

Two Months Old

Already? How. Is. This. Possible.

If I am being honest, I can hardly remember what it was like for this darling boy to not be in our arms. Two months feels so... old. But at the same time, how has he only been in my life for just days? 

I am absolutely smitten by this child. Two weeks ago, all four of his grandparents, and all three of his great grandparents were in town, here to meet him for the very first time (and to celebrate Ryan's graduation). He started smiling for the first time the day before they arrived. His grins and coos knock me off my feet.

This little man is quite hefty. I am estemating that he is around 11-12 pounds right now. He is due for his 2 month checkup, so I guess we will find out soon! He is eating so well. We faced some significant nursing challenges early on, but the Lord has been so gracious, and things are going smoothly at this point. Not perfect yet, but huge gains have been made, both literally and metaphorically speaking. And folks, the boy sleeps. Remember the 13+ crazy sleepless months we battled through with Leilani before I got more than 3 straight hours of sleep consistently? No? Well golly. I sure do. And at two months old, the boy sleeps at night. Hours straight. Four hours happens consistently! Sometimes six in one stretch! SIX. Let the awe wash over you. I didn't know it was possible to feel this rested with a baby in the house. Praise the Lord that we discovered swaddling. And this little bed from target has not hurt either. I am just giddy with relief. Mama doesn't have to function as a zombie this time round.

I can not adequately express how incredible the past two months have been. They have truly been miraculous and drenched in Grace. I spent so much of Leilani's early days overwhelmed by anxiety, exhaustion and struggled with postpartum depression for months. So much joy was missed in the midst of it all.

I shared earlier how the Lord has been working in my heart, and how He utterly conquered my anxiety in an incredible way. The transition from one to two children, and the adjustment back into newborn care has not been easy. In fact, parts of it have been significantly challenging. But folks. I. Am. Free. I have been utterly flooded by His grace, and though I have let my fatigue and inexperience frustrate me, and though I have been more cranky than I ought at times, not even once has that sickening anxiety ever clutched at my heart.

I faced possibly loosing breastfeeding. And my heart hurt, I wept and my head spun with "Ok, so what now?" But I was not sick. My little one struggled with a lip and tongue tie that required a revision by a specialist in Nashville when he was just two weeks old. The trip was a huge misadventure, but through it all we saw the hand of the Lord, and I did not spiral into an internal meltdown. I am tired and often overwhelmed with the responsibility of raising two children, but I have not been paralyzed by my weakness, because the Lord has said HE is my strength. I have lost even more freedom and personal space and selfish time, and I have not been depressed by the sacrifice. This is not natural, yall. God has done some mighty things to prepare me for the incredible gift of my son. I am so far from having it all down. When you read these exultations, please don't see anything other than a heart utterly full of gratitude. I am so flawed and so impatient and so unworthy of these children. But oh, my Savior has the power to conquer all of that. I am watching Him do it.

And I am confident of this, that He who began a good work in me will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. (Philippians 1:6)

The joy. Oh the joy that He has given me in my little boy. I am amazed by how powerful it is. Again, I am learning about His Love in a whole new way. It looks like this:

His grace is oh, so sweet. There is power in His blood. Whatever you are facing, whatever burdens your heart carries, He can heal you. He healed me. "This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles." (Ps. 34:6) Cry out. He can save you!